"Russell Crowe threw a telephone, he's my hero."

I think I'm disturbed.
Well, I must be.
Because I'm really quite tired,
But I'm too disturbed to rest in peace.

This should be a pretty long post, yes?

It was a bad start to my Thursday.

By the time I woke up in the evening,
My maid was no longer around.
I don't know what the hell happened,
But she has gone home for good.

Before you start condemning me,
Let me have a chance at self-defense first.
I was getting used to doing tons of mopping,
Cleaning and washing last year,
Because I became very particular about cleanliness,
And there wasn't anyone to do it for me,
So obviously I had to do it myself.

Then my family decided to hire a maid,
And needless to say,
I was damn happy I don't have to do anymore chores.

Shit lah.
Now back to square one again.
Just when I've become super duper lazy.

I just did my laundry at 7am in the morning.
By hand.
Don't ask me why lah huh.
I'm crazy like that.

Oh god, oh god,
Please hire another maid.

Then Thursday got even worse,
When I made the stupid decision,
To go for the Butch Hunt Preview.

It was damn bloody packed loh.

God knows how much time I spent queueing.
And it's not very fun,
When nobody is really interested in queueing,
And everyone resorts to the primitive method,
Of pushing and shoving.

With all that testosterone in my blood,
It took a miracle for me not to lose my temper,
And push someone down the stairs.

Of course I just couldn't resist shouting,
When some idiotic butch kept pushing me from behind.

"Why don't you try...
FLYING OVER MY HEAD???"

She stopped pushing.

Well,
I didn't expect much from the contestants,
And true enough,
The performances were rather ho-hum.
(If you want to call it a performance.)

I don't even know what the hell was going on,
Because a few of them are obviously not butches.
It wasn't just the long flowy hair...
They seemed to take pride in parading their ample assets,
As well as their overly girlish mannerisms.

Oh well.
Why should I care anyway?

Just when I was patting myself on the back,
For choosing to wear a tanktop,
(Cos as usual, they chose a venue with no ventilation)
It totally backfired on me.

Cos when the hosts decided,
To rope in a few members of the audience,
To participate in a brainless segment of the show,
The drag queen host had to pick me.

"How about... Brazil?"

Gee.
Yah, cos my tank says "Brazil".
Yah yah yah, the ones from New Urban Male.

Please.
I've never won in any lucky draws before.
So why do I get picked only for stupid things?

I was mortified and refused to budge,
As the drag queen taunted me by saying,
"Why, no guts ah?"

I decided to be sporting in the end.
Bad, bad move.
I think everyone who knows me had a good laugh.

To be honest,
It was probably nothing.
But in case you don't know,
I've a phobia of public speaking,
Or standing on a goddamn stage.

I ended up standing next to Olinda on the stage,
Yah that Olinda.
She's actually pretty friendly in real life, surprisingly.
I wanted to say,
"Hey, your slimming program really worked leh!",
But decided not to.
Good move, that one.

She said something disturbing to me though.

"I didn't know that you are a guy."

I wonder what the hell I did,
To warrant such a strange remark.

That's when I realized,
That passing is actually a double-edged sword.

Of course, I want to pass.
If I don't, I feel damn lousy about myself.
If I do, fear starts setting in.
Fear of discovery that I'm not a XY male.

I know I find security hiding behind the label of "Ftm".
But that's not a long-term solution.
I need to learn how to lie with a smile,
And say,
"Yep. I've done NS already."